Learning to walk the Way

“Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me.  For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and that of the gospel will save it.”  -Mark 8: 34-35 (NAB)

This was the Search 28 leadership team (Spring 2011). Spent the semester reflecting with them on our journeys with Christ.

In my last semester at USD, I spent a good deal of time reflecting upon this verse in preparation for a witness talk that I gave about the challenges that we face as disciples of Jesus Christ.  One of the many ”conclusions” that I came to this semester is this:  figuring out what discipleship means for me is a life-long, challenging journey, riddled with moments of deep confusion as well as profound insight.  So, in order to live life according to God’s will,  I must whole-heartedly place my trust, my life, in the hands of Jesus so that he can lead me through each moment.  Of course, the trouble is that I have to SHOW him that I trust him through the way that I live my everyday life.  Let’s be real… this isn’t easy… and he never said that this would be!  He tells us it will be challenging… that we have to lay down our lives… and constantly resist our selfish desires and ways if we want to follow him.  But he also tells that he will help us… and that our efforts will be MORE than worth it!

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Now I stand at the beginning of a new life journey.  In my immediate past are the four amazing years that I spent at the University of San Diego, where I had a host of incredible life experiences, shared my life with good friends and mentors, and where I, oh yeah, earned a college degree.  But as I turn my head away from the past and toward my future I see that it’s… well… vastly uncharted.  Yikes!  Before I get too wrapped up in the reality of life post-grad, I focus instead on the next year of my life… as a Jesuit Volunteer… for this journey is my immediate reality… my present.  What comes after that?  Haha… I’m not sure, but I’m not going to focus too too much on this just yet.     

In just a couple of weeks I will begin my work with the Jesuit Volunteer Corps (JVC) as a Youth Minister at the Seton Home, a transitional home in San Antonio, TX for pregnant and parenting teens who have decided to keep and raise their children.  This work most definitely wasn’t in my plans as of the beginning of my senior year.  I planned to go straight into graduate school in nursing after my graduation from USD.  But, God led me down a different path… so that by January, I had submitted my application to JVC… and by April I was given a placement.  So, now I find myself not on a detour, but on a path that is HIS way… not mine.   

A big question that comes to mind now is…  ”What in the world am I getting myself into?”  I mean, I sort of have a vague, really cloudy vision of what this next year could bring me.  I know where I’m working, where I’m living, who I’m living with, the values that the Jesuit Volunteer Corps challenges us to live by, etc. etc.  I am also very fortunate to have my position handed down to me by a good friend and role model, Kelsey Johnson.  She has definitely provided me with a lot of good insight already and I know she will be there for me throughout my experience.

But…ultimately… I know that what’s in store for me is beyond what I could ever possibly imagine. So, I guess the answer to my question is unanswerable at this point.  All I can do is go into this experience with an open heart and an open mind and let God do the rest.  It’ll be a tough journey for sure, but I rest assured that, above all, it will be a blessed one.  I may not really know where the heck I’m headed, but God does.  I have faith that He won’t give me any more than what He has prepared me to handle.   

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So, here I go.  Off to Texas.  I have to say, it feels weird writing that.  I can’t believe that I am actually leaving… on Tuesday… for Texas.  I’m not headed back down to San Diego for RA training like I was the last three Augusts.  I’m not going back to the USD community that I feel so deeply connected to.  I’m not going to be reunited with some of the most amazing friends I’ve ever had in my life.  In fact, when I look at a map of the United States… we’re all over… San Diego, LA, San Francisco, Detroit, Eugene, Milwaukee, Salt Lake City, San Antonio, Fort Wayne…

But right when I start to get overwhelmed with thoughts of HOW MUCH I’m going to miss USD, my family, and my friends… or HOW AFRAID I am of this experience I’ve committed myself to… I feel God’s love rushing in to ease my heartache.  Instead of letting my emotions get the best of me, I know He wants me to be THANKFUL for all of my experiences, opportunities, gifts and loved ones.  I also know that He wants me to be LIBERATED from my fears so that I might live fully in Him.  Let’s be real… again… I want SO badly to do God’s work with all that I am… but I often feel overwhelmed by what I’m up against in my discipleship.  Perhaps one of my greatest fears is that my efforts won’t be good enough… or BIG enough.  But I must be reminded that my efforts, if rooted in God’s love, WILL be enough. 

As Archbishop Oscar Romero wrote in Prophets of a Future Not Our Own, “We cannot do everything and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.  This enables us to do something and to do it well.  It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord’s grace to enter and do the rest.” 

So, I’m going to go out there… and I’m going to do my little something… with everything I’ve got.  It’s not going to be easy… but I’m OK with that.

 

 

Graduation Day May 2011. Facing the future with the best friends a girl could ask for.